


Sought After a Lie, Caught In a Lie

by DigitalGhost



Category: Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Batfam Feels, Batfamily (DCU), Batfamily (DCU) Feels, Bruce Wayne is a Good Parent, Bruce Wayne is a mediocre parent, Character Death, Drug Use, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Feels, Gen, Hallucinations, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Mental Breakdown, Self-Esteem Issues, Suicidal Tim Drake, Suicide Attempt, Tim Drake Needs a Hug, Tim Drake-centric, batfam, heavy hurt easy comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-15
Updated: 2021-01-15
Packaged: 2021-03-13 07:06:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,468
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28774305
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DigitalGhost/pseuds/DigitalGhost
Summary: "Is everything okay? Are you alright?" His older brother asked, but Tim violently shook his head, decorated with incoherent noises. The flood of memories was too strong to hold back, he wasn't strong enough-'It's strong enough,' he noted to himself with satisfaction, examining the contents of Crane's abandoned toxins. There were scribbled notes on the other end of the table, but he didn't particularly want to read about "things to break the mind without fear". He didn't particularly want to do a lot of things, but this, this untested formula that 'could cause death and possibly worse side effects'-This is what he came for.
Relationships: Batfamily Members & Tim Drake, Stephanie Brown/Tim Drake (Past), Tim Drake & Dick Grayson
Comments: 2
Kudos: 123





	Sought After a Lie, Caught In a Lie

Tim felt the weight of consciousness long before he was fully awake. His body was heavy, and his mind felt slow and foggy. Was… was he in the Cave's medical bay?

"Oh, good, he's awake," Sounded a familiar voice, and he heard sets of footsteps approaching his bed. Tim tried to blink his eyes open, but quickly shut them. Everything was so bright, and loud, and _everything-_

He tried again to open his eyes, and this time he caught a glimpse of Bruce's face, next to Alfred, Dick, Barbara, Stephanie, Cassandra, Damian, and even Jason, all looking down at him with sympathy. He grunted softly as the light became too much for his eyes.

"It's alright, son. Take all the time you need to be ready." Came Bruce's voice, uncharacteristically soft. He felt a larger, familiar hand squeeze his own, and after a moment he returned the gesture to his oldest brother. He inched his eyes open, slow in seeing the faces of his family all around him again.

"Did… Did something happen to me?" He managed before coughing on a rather dry throat. Alfred handed him a glass of water as Bruce looked at him with sad eyes.

"Well.. something almost happened to you… But luckily, you made it through and we're all here to help you." Something about that phrasing felt.. off to Tim.

"Drake," Damian said pompously, stepping forward. "I would like you to know that, um…" He lost his bravado as he searched for words, actually looking like a true eleven-year-old for a moment. "I hold you and your skills in my deepest regards, and my respect for you knows no bounds. I am truly apologetic if I ever made you feel otherwise"

Tim felt a little out of place as Damian glanced toward Dick, as if looking for the eldest's approval of his words. Dick smiled, but then his younger brother glanced at Tim himself, and-

"I don't want you to leave, Timothy!" Damian let out, grabbing Tim in a sudden and inescapable hug. Damian's sudden tears against his chest wettened the shirt he wore. "I'm really truly sorry that I continuously made fun of you, that- that was just me trying to show my affection! I know I'm not good at it, but I value your worth as a person and what admirable traits you bring with you, whether as an ally, a friend, or a brother." He seemed to have calmed down as he leaned in toward Tim's ear. "You're my favorite brother," Damian whispered, every inch of him the small child he truly was. Even as Dick chuckled softly and sat down on the edge of his bed, the youngest Robin simply made himself comfortable on Tim's lap. He was cautious as he slowly wrapped an arm around the child sitting there, but Damian seemed to welcome the embrace, leaning into it even. Overall, very strange.

Even stranger was when Jason stepped forward, with remorse and care in his eyes.

"Look, punk, I know I kinda… tried to kill you, like kind of a lot, but... really, you ain't half bad." Jason leaned down and gave him a one-armed side hug. "You're a good person, a mad tech wizard, and the best replacement to ever replace me. So just know I want you here, a'ight?"

"I, um…" He cleared his throat, struggling to find his voice. "Okay."

Tim hunched in on himself as everyone continued to look in his direction- looking at his blanketed feet and fidgeting with his hands until Steph caught his attention. She gave him one of her trademark smiles- it was small, but genuine- and sat down gently on the side of the bed opposite Dick. Neither him nor Stephanie had ever been the best at voicing their feelings, not when they'd been dating and definitely not now, but right now, she told him everything they both needed with her eyes. She took his hand, stopping his fidgeting, and held it in her own. Steph always ran hotter than him, and her warm hand holding his own was a familiar and comforting thing. Her warmth chased away _those_ thoughts like it always had, and he took deep breaths to keep the emotion down.

"Tim…" Barbara started, and he turned to face her misty eyes. Uncharacteristically, she seemed at a loss for words, until Dick reached over and squeezed her hand, and she exhaled. "We, we love you. Every single one of us. I'll punch it into your skull or take away your coffee to get you to remember, if it comes to that."

"I agree with everyone, Tim," Added Bruce, as he looked Tim directly in the eyes. "We value your worth, we want you here, and we love you. Just… take my word for it, okay?"

He didn't even have a change to try and say something before Alfred caught his eye. Like Steph, he didn't say anything, but instead gave him the most loving expression he'd seen on anyone, even other looks Alfred had given him. A sob got caught in his throat.

"I…" He didn't trust himself to speak; his voice would crack from tears and then he wouldn't be able to keep swallowing down the sobs. He glanced around at all the knowing, supportive faces- even at Damian, who still had his face buried into Tim's chest- until his gaze stopped at Cass's dark eyes.

"It… okay," She said to him. "You… not a burden. Needed. Useful. You… wanted."

He tucked his face into his hands, and cried.

He cried and cried, until something in the air changed, and he couldn't feel Damian's weight against his chest anymore. Instead, a deep, throbbing pain coursed through his left leg, reaching up to his hip. He slowly leaned backwards as utter exhaustion filled him, and tried to even his breath through the occasional hiccups. Tim's focus was completely on his breathing, his eyes were closed and ignoring all excess noise, so a sudden sound startled him.

"Tim," Said a deep voice, shaking him out of his trance. Tim could feel the redness in his eyes as he looked up at Bruce. Disappointment seemed to radiate from him. "Can you hear me?"

Tim hesitated, then nodded, his mind moving too fast to do much else. He was in a private holding cell in the medical corner of the Cave, whereas he'd previously thought he'd been in the more open, public area of the medical bay. And hadn't everyone been…? "Where-" He cleared his throat, which was still sore from earlier. "Where… am I?

"You're in the med bay." Bruce answered simply, a little skepticism in his tone. What with the look in his eyes, he probably didn't think Tim was recovered.

_Recovered from… what?_

"Bruce, I… what happened?"

Something in Bruce seemed to break at that precise moment- a deep anger he'd been hiding from Tim incredibly well thus far, was swarming out of Bruce's body, and all of it was aimed toward Tim.

"What happ- Tim, _what were you thinking?"_ Bruce bellowed, every word stinging his skin. The man towering above him was minutely shaking with barely-contained anger. Tim chose to stay still as a stone in his bed, even if he had had the energy to move. "I _told_ you to stay there and wait for backup, but Red Robin just _had_ to prove he was _better_ than everyone else and charge in all alone, didn't you?! Against some of the worst of the recent escapees from Arkham Asylum? When you were already physically injured? Do you have a death wish?!"

-a death wish-

_-a death wish-_

The memories of _everything_ came as fast as a bullet to his brain, and more tears spilled down his face, even as Bruce continued on his rant.

The tear tracks hadn't even dried yet.

A purposeful leap off a building on patrol, his grapple ignored at his belt. Oracle radioed him to check his status, and he rambled off information through a broken leg. Through disappointment that he hadn't finished the job.

Hearing intel of a major breakout from Arkham. Knowing Jonathan Crane was among those numbers, and knowing he'd been working on a new kind of mental toxin, one that was rumored to cause permanent death if dealt in a heavy dose.

Limping through the streets, across the rooftops, to where he'd gathered Crane was hiding out. Typing out a note to his team as he went, ignoring the audio feed from the coms about bewaring the effects of The Scarecrow's newest toxin--

Everything was coming down heavier now, and he swallowed down a sob.

_Red Robin jumped down from the roof, and landed in the alley with ribbons of pain hurtling through his body, emanating from his leg. He continued walking, even as blackness threatened to overtake his vision. He couldn't black out, not now. Not when he knew he'd be waking up._

_To his genuine surprise, the building was absolutely empty, devoid of any guards, thugs, or even Jonathan Crane himself. He vaguely remembered hearing something about drawing all the convicts out over his team's coms, but at this point he didn't care about the criminals. What he needed was already here._

Bruce's ranting about his failure as a human being, which he'd tuned out to this point, was suddenly interrupted as Dick entered the room. Seeing him sent a whole new wave of emotions for the forefront of Tim's mind. Dick shot Bruce a significant look, and the older man went silent. Tears continued to fall down Tim's face as the practiced acrobat knelt by Tim's bed.

"Is everything okay? Are you alright?" His older brother asked, but Tim violently shook his head, decorated with incoherent noises. The flood of memories was too strong to hold back, he wasn't strong enough-

_'_ It's strong enough,' _he noted to himself with satisfaction, examining the contents of Crane's abandoned toxins. There were scribbled notes on the other end of the table, but he didn't particularly want to read about "things to break the mind without fear". He didn't particularly want to do a lot of things, but_ this, _this untested formula that 'could cause death and possibly worse side effects'-_

This _is what he came for._

_He downed the whole vial, and then the second one for good measure. He finished typing his letter on his wrist's computer as he felt the cold touch of death begin to seep through his systems._

I know I was never wanted around here. I've always known that. But now I know how much I'm not needed. So, why keep unnecessary things around, right?

Right.

I love you guys. But I know you don't care, not really.

Best and final wishes,

Tim Drake.

  
  
  


He poured out the tears, right then and there, more than he'd ever cried in his life. Bruce might've been a statue at this point, and Dick was motionless, scared to even touch him. They were _disgusted_ with him, and they didn't even know the full truth.

Because what kind of sick person tries to kill himself with untested fear toxin, only to wake up, alive, and hallucinate his entire family valuing him as a person? As a brother, as a son? What kind of excuse for a human breaks down when he's given wholehearted affection by someone who's not there, then breaks down _again_ when he finds out none of it was real?

Finally Dick unfroze and gently edged toward Tim, who then realized someone had put restraints on him; keeping him tied to the bed by his wrists, ankles, and waist. It was their procedure whenever someone got on fear gas, but it still caught him by surprise. He wanted to wrap his arms around himself as Tim looked at the pity in his brother's eyes.

"I'm real, baby bird." Dick said softly. He was using the voice Robin used whenever they spoke to victims on patrol, especially children. "I'm real and I'm here."

Dick caught him in a hug, warm and close and real, and Tim could only lay in his restraints stiffly. The sensations of Dick's embrace _did_ feel different than Damian's earlier ones, but yet…

Dick seemed to feel his uncertainty, and broke away. "Do you not think so?" Dick's eyes seemed big, as big as a child's. There wasn't any naive hope in his eyes, however- just sadness. "Do you not think I'm real?"

He really wishes his restraints were gone right now. "I don't… I don't know. I can't tell if it feels real, or if it feels like a dream…" _Or a nightmare,_ muttered the voice in his head, but he pushed it to the corner. He didn't want to entertain that possibility, not just yet.

"Is there something that could prove it isn't a dream?" Dick asked, and Bruce looked up from where he'd been shuffling awkwardly in the corner.

Dick's over-emotional hug still tingled on Tim's skin, making him shiver. Drowsiness began to pull at the edges of his consciousness, and he _finally_ remembered Crane's extra footnote on his serum- the one about it taking some time before accomplishing its end goal.

Huh. Guess this was reality after all.

Not that it'd be so for much longer anyway.

"Tell me… if you love me…" He mumbled between breaths, looking Dick in the eyes. He felt his breathing get slower and shallower as Dick seemed to realize what was happening. A fear Tim hadn't expected appeared in his brother's face, and the older man bent down and grasped Tim's cuffed hand. He made himself look away.

" _Of course_ I love you, baby bird," Emotion had already made itself true in Dick's voice, and he guessed his eyes were wet by now, too. "You're one of the strongest people I know, I- you brought us all back from a dark place after Jason died- not just Bruce. Barbara was inspired by you, _I_ was inspired by you. You, you can't-" Dick's voice caught, and Tim could feel multiple tears splash onto his arm. He couldn't spare the energy to look at Dick, though- _couldn't spare the energy to be good enough_ \- "You can't leave us. If not for you, then do it for me."

The muscles in his body gave out, and he head fell to the side, eyes facing Dick. The look on his face almost made Tim wish he didn't have limited breaths, didn't have black seeping through the edges of his vision. Wish he could stay.

Almost.

But he'd made that choice when he'd taken Crane's untested serum. And nothing he'd seen since then- or in a long, long time, for that matter- had made him change his mind.

"Sorry… Dick," He mumbled through his last breath, and managed a faint smile. "I've already… left."

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first batfam fic, so i apologize for any bits that were out of character (except for Tim's hallucinations at the beginning, that was on purpose)  
> rec me some good fics if you want, and leave some kudos or a comment if you'd like ^^


End file.
